WEEK 6

December 11 - 17, 2006

OK, these weekly updates are intended, at least by me, to be two-way communication. This is my way of communicating with you about the stuff that I am experiencing here on the other side of the Earth. I know you guys think I have nothing but time on my hands because I am obviously not commuting to work (not far anyway) or chasing down kids and have loads of hours waiting around to do something with (not entirely true). However, I know you folks have at least an hour a week to drop me the scoop on what’s going on with you. Charles, what is going on in Lia-land? Doug, what state are you visiting next? Tina, how many more crack whores have you arrested? Brandy, what’s the latest gossip? Mom Q, how’s Bunko? I got a fabulous email from my sister-in-law a couple of days ago and my mother emails me every day. With the exception of a scant few of you out there, I haven’t heard much. Really, I would love to hear from you more than once a month.

Remember last week when I told you I submitted a work order for my B Hut to increase the thermostat? Well it went through and they did. Ed is gloriously happy, however I am not. The interior temperature went from about 58F to 80F. I am miserable. I have my window open to cool off my room, but the window frame opens six inches above my bed and causes me discomfort when trying to sleep (because I entangle my leg with the window frame). Yes, I have my vent closed but the folks in the surrounding rooms must have formerly been residents of the Gobi Desert and like it hot so their vents are wide open negating my open window. I am now sleeping (very little) on top of my down comforter sweating like I had just run a half marathon at the Camp Doha, Kuwait Invitational in the middle of July.

We have two different types of email here, well I guess really three: SIPR, NIPR, and regular everyday run-of-the-mill email. We can get regular email at the USO only unless we want to buy internet access from a local company for $35 a month for dial-up. Otherwise the NIPR is what we use to send you email. It is the military’s non-secure internet which is slow and limited. NIPR is good for basic use but beyond that really sucks. SIPR is the secure military internet which is supposed to be limited for official classified information transfer. However everyone here uses it to notify each other if they have mail, or when they can get a hair cut, or when you can get a camel ride at the bazaar. It’s crazy. Anyway, I send most of my email wirelessly from the USO. It’s about half a mile from me and is best when only 30 people are there connected at one time. Sure it’s slow, but it works.

We have Big Voice here. Several of you with previous Iraqi experience know what I am talking about. There is no Giant Voice, just Big Voice, and fortunately for me, one of the loudspeakers is a mere 1.5 meters from the outside wall of my room. What is Big Voice some of you ask? Well, remember in episodes of M.A.S.H. when you would here someone talking over the loudspeakers within the camp about upcoming events or injured patients arriving shortly? It’s the same except it is called Big Voice although that seems to be a misnomer because Big Voice is camp specific while Giant Voice is supposed to be for the entire compound. I digress. Anyway all Bagram announcements are made over the loudspeaker system 24/7 for the benefit of all who inhabit this little slice of pie in Afghanistan.

We also have aerial gunnery almost nightly. How do I know? Well that loudspeaker just outside of my room wall tells me so. Nearly every night (because aerial gunnery is only done at night) a very very loud voice announces “The Aerial Gunnery range is now Hot! I say again, the Aerial Gunnery range is now Hot!” And because the U.S. military does not want the enemy within a 15 mile listening range to think we do aerial gunnery at the same time every night, they mix it up a bit, like last night when I received that announcement at 0030. I was sound asleep until some nut-job scared me awake with ramblings about a hot range. And to make matters worse, some brilliant folks have decided that detonating unexploded munitions and such is better late at night when there are less people awake to be unnerved by an explosion. So, the Big Voice announces at 0200, “There will be a controlled detonation in five minutes! I say again, there will be a controlled detonation in five minutes!” Five minutes is not an eternity, but it is enough time to gain control of your senses, especially after your hearing jolted you awake for that announcement, and cause you to return to sleep just in time for an earth-shattering explosion. Gawd, I love our military.

I’m pretty sure I told you back in Week 2 that Bagram is about 7.5 miles in diameter and egg-shaped. Imagine if you will, for a moment, that Bagram is an island. That’s what it feels like for me. I have not traveled outside of my island for over a month. Imagine how that would apply to the rest of you fine folks out there. I know I’m preaching to the choir with regard to my military friends who receive this, but to those of you who thankfully have not deployed by the courtesy of Uncle Sam, 7.5 miles is not very far. How far is it to your grocery store or work? How far did you travel to go to the mall yesterday? And since 7.5 miles is not very far, you don’t need a car. Walking is good for you, isn’t it?

Well, walking has certainly discouraged a purchase I nearly made the other day. I was at the PX (about a half mile from my room) the other evening and was going to buy a microwave when it occurred to me that lugging a 3’ x 2’ x 2’ box that weighed about 40 pounds was not going to be convenient. Sure, I’ve been working out and have surpassed that weight, but the idea of the sheer encumbrance while walking to my hut negated my zeal to try it out. Had Ed or Craig been with me or I had one of the vehicles we work on, I would have made the purchase. I still intend on buying a microwave (because I am hoping Kris will send me foodstuffs that I am Jonesing for) and will obviously negotiate its transport so I do not have to carry it myself.

You guys will love this. Bagram decided to shut down all of the generators here for a maintenance day. An email was sent out on Monday afternoon via the SIPR net that all power generators would be shut down from 0800 – 2000 L on Tuesday. Guess when I found out about this planned shutdown? Yeah, at 0810 Tuesday morning. Yes, I have SIPR access, but the only place I can get on and look at messages currently is at the SPG which I only check a couple of times a week. Had I known about the shutdown Monday afternoon, I would have unboxed my gleaming red and black Honda generator, put fuel and oil in it, and gave it a test run in advance. As it turned out, I had already acquired the fuel, but not the oil for the engine. To make a long story short, I was generating electricity a little after 1100 that morning. Alrighta! You would think, however, that the brain-trust in charge of Bagram would have shut down only half of the generators on Tuesday and maybe the other half on Wednesday. Anything that had power on Tuesday was because of local back-up power generation. I have never seen so many military 5KW’s in my life. By the way, the generator shutdown caught many people by surprise.

Afghanistan has this fine dust on everything in the morning. I know first by seeing it every morning and then by testing. I tested it by putting one of my black gloves on a small ledge outside of my hut. I checked it every morning and would ‘dust it off’ and put it back out there. I have also tested it on one of our vehicle windshields outside of my shop. I cleaned the windshield every day for a week. Every morning I would look at the windshield and after the frost melted, I had this almost muddy mess on the glass. I’m not exactly sure what is causing that much dust in the air; maybe it’s our Aerial Gunnery range stirring up dust or maybe it’s our controlled detonations. Whatever it is, I am sure I am breathing it every day. Maybe I should start wearing a mask….

Our company sent us a few supplies packed around American goodness! They sent us a couple of wrapped presents, 7.5 pounds of Starbuck’s coffee, 2 pounds of smoked salmon, assorted boxes of crackers, a Hickory Farms large pack of edibles, 2 humongous summer sausages, an assorted box of cheeses, chocolates, chips, and ten DVDs. One of the fine boxer-uppers back in Woodland wrote on the inside flap of the box: “Packed by LifePort Interiors Elves”. That box could not have come on a better day as we were frustrated with a series of events that was delaying completion of our work (and subsequently causing us to work even more). We have yet to dine on any of the items because we are waiting (very impatiently) for Christmas. Our two foot artificial Christmas tree is standing on top of our pile of hospitality.

My Christmas CDs arrived yesterday from Amazon. Woohoo! I’ve been suffering without Christmas music. This normally is my favorite time of the year with lights, decorations, and music. Obviously it hasn’t been the same being away from Kris, the kids, family, and friends and it was causing my spirits to be a little low. I love the classic Christmas tunes and play them over and over again starting the 1st of December every year. Well a couple of weeks ago, I ordered a few Christmas CDs from Amazon.com (I now have two sets; one here and one in Tacoma) and for the past two days have been playing them over and over again on a portable CD boombox I acquired. The other guys are now in the spirit too. It’s a sight to behold; grown men singing and humming to Christmas songs while working. If we had green pointed hats, I would swear we were elves.

All you all probably realize that once on the ground, the next step was figuring out how to get supplies and services that I need to conduct my mission here. Sure, go talk to that guy or fill out this request form. Go see the Engineers or the J4, email a list, explain why you need it, properly justify your priority, or my favorite: trade. To date, very little of the above has netted me any tangible supply or service. Nope, the processes that have yielded results so far are: charm, charisma, and the venerable acquisition method.

My acquisition process here has been quite good. A standing rule I learned many years ago in the military is: “If it’s not nailed down or under guard, it’s available”. The only two things acquired via that means has been the five gallon (oh, I mean 20 liters) gas can (they’re actually plastic now) and the plywood and 2 x 4s. It’s not like we just walked up and took them. We saw these items left unattended for days. Finally, we acquired them to put them to their intended uses. Other than that, all other acquisition has been through very respectable means. As an example, I purchased the portable CD boombox, a desk lamp, a folding chair, a plastic three-drawer bin, and an upright tall slender fan with remote control for $20 from a guy who was departing this location for the comfort of the U.S. of A. Someone is always leaving here; you just have to catch them at that right moment when they realize they need to leave a bunch of the stuff they acquired behind. Needless to say, my last remaining goods and services left unfulfilled are internet and phone.

Camp Vance is finally into the Christmas spirit. The maintenance guys strung lights angularly from the top of a telephone pole to the ground to make a well-lit triangular type tree shape. The Engineers put an inflatable and lit 15’ Grinch with Max sitting at his feet on top of their building. And the JDOC has an inflatable Frosty the Snowman and Santa Clause adorning their building with multiple strings of lights everywhere. There are artificial Christmas trees in almost every major building (although surprisingly no Menorahs) and tubs of small candy canes sitting on tables. Camp Vance seems to be the only camp on Bagram that is really into the spirit. The rest of the American camps do not have the exterior presence that we do. I certainly understand the other nations, but would have thought there would have been American camps trying to out-do the other. In any case, I am pleased with Camp Vance’s decorations.

Craig