WEEK 12

January 22 - 28, 2007

It has been downright cold. I mean really cold with lows below zero and the highs in the mid-teens. With all the snow on the ground, you would think there would be some moisture in the air, but that is not the case. My handy-dandy hygrometer says there is 11% humidity outside, but I’m convinced it lies. My hands and face are suddenly dry and no amount of water consumed or lotion used seems to be helping. I guess I will have to wait for a little warmer, moister weather.

There are a couple of places here that cut hair. Two of them are AAFES (Army & Air Force Exchange System) sponsored places that cut hair for $5.25 USD and are no frills, and there is one place here that does the same for $12.00 and includes a much better looking woman and a massage. I have yet to try out the $12 hair cut. I have been to the same homely Russian lady (who looks Asian (more about this topic later)) for all but one of my hair cuts here. My first experience with her was unique because when I sat down in her chair, she asked me in Russian if I spoke Russian. I don’t speak enough Russian to hold a conversation, but I knew what she asked me and spun around in the chair to look at her because I would swear she was Chinese. I asked her in German if she spoke Deutsche; she shook her head, no. I asked her in Spanish if she spoke Espanol; again she shook her head, no. As I was beginning to ask her if she spoke Pig Latin, she picked up a Russian / English dictionary and feebly asked me in the worst English if I spoke English. Wow, we can communicate. From that day on, she has given me decent hair cuts and I have been working on my Russian. Because of this situation, I have had no real interest in spending more than double the cash on some decent-looking Kyrgy girl who would probably give me a worse hair cut and a shoulder massage that I’m not wild about.

I guess it only makes sense that many of the Russians would look Chinese when you consider the two countries’ locations with regard to one another. Afghanistan touches China and some of the former Soviet republics which makes this location a hey-day for enterprising folks from those regions. Not to mention the Russians occupied Afghanistan for how many years in the 80’s and 90’s and they were bound to leave some of their folks behind. In any case, I have made the assumption that every Asian-looking person I see here speaks Russian and will give them the greeting of the day in Russian. This is also mostly due to the fact that I do not speak a single word of Chinese.

In Week 11 I wrote about the FedEx Hajji that I called FH. I made the attempt to learn his name and discovered that he is not a local at all, well not by birth anyway. His given name, according to him, is Roger and he is a Phillippino who has spent a majority of his life here. Roger’s primary language is Pashto with dialects of different cultures which means that his English is still sparse.

We have a weekly menu here. That means every Tuesday is Spaghetti night and every Thursday is Mexican and every Friday is Surf-n-Turf, etc. Yes, I did say Mexican on Thursdays. Our food preparers are primarily locals supervised by U.S. military cooks. I have no idea what our cooks do besides sit around and tell the locals what to do every now and then. None of them appear to be Hispanic and evidently none of them have taught any Mexican culinary skills to the Hajjis. Most of us in the states know what decent Mexican food is and what it is supposed to look like. They have no concept here. There are trays of sour cream, guacamole, shredded cheese, black olives, and salsa available and it is obvious to me the sole purpose of these accoutrements is to hide the look and taste of the so-called chicken enchiladas and the beef burritos and so forth. I find myself putting the accoutrements on my tray without the food and eating that with a little salad. At least the sour cream tastes like sour cream and lettuce tastes like lettuce. I consider this my version of a taco salad.

I received a package today from Brandy and inside was a glimmering 750 ml bottle of Bacardi Gold Rum. There were other things in the box as well, but the rum stole the spotlight. Although it was not listed on the customs form (well, maybe it was the ‘mouthwash’ that I couldn’t find in the box) it was prominently displayed in a gallon size Ziploc bag. Anyone looking in the box prior to sealing and certifying the box could not have mistaken it for mouthwash. It’s my guess that Brandy stumbled upon a USPS employee that was former military. As a matter of fact, I’m sipping a little of that rum right now in a Coke while typing away. I believe I can type a bit better while supping on the rum. Furthermore, I am beginning to think I even look better while guzzling the rum. I’m sure all-you-all can tell how much better written this is suddenly and are probably in awe over my new-found rugged handsomeness (in dimly lit areas). Me too!

I decided to rearrange and reorganize my room. There is only so much you can do to a 6’ x 12’ room, but I’m determined to utilize Feng Shui and couple it with dashes of Chi. In ‘man-speak’, I wanted to put my 74” plywood bed horizontally in the 72” width of the room. I had two options with this course of action: 1) Expand the width of the walls, or 2) Shorten the bed. I chose Option 2 for obvious reasons (primarily because my carpentry skills are not yet that outstanding). Some of you may recall that I am exactly 71 and 13/16 inches tall in sock feet. I may be a full 72” now with my hair growth. Anyway, I estimated that I could use my cordless DeWalt 18 volt XRP super 7” circular saw to cut off 2.5” of my bed and then use my cordless DeWalt 18 volt XRP dynamic thunder variable speed titanium bit drill to reattach the legs of the bed so that it would fit in the 72” width. After five minutes of wood particles being thrown around my room and another ten minutes of molecular force dynamics, my bed was exactly where I wanted it.

Now that the bed was where I wanted it, I had to fabricate a different shelf for my TV and DVD player. Easy in theory, but harder in reality. I reasoned that the best place for the TV would be over the foot of my bed (based on room dimensions and functionality) and I could mount it flush with the ceiling and provide the proverbial 12 degree downward tilt for optimal viewing. Like I said, easy in theory. One of the immediate problems is that nothing here is square (90 degree corners). Another problem is the availability of parts and lumber. Everything must be fabricated out of the wood parts and pieces that we acquire or gain from our crates of armor. When one of our crates arrives, we are not only excited because it contains fabulous pieces of bullet retardant material, but the wood and screws that make up the crate are systematically dismantled and saved for future use. In Ed’s best American Indian voice: “We use the whole buffalo!”

Anyway, I digress. I made several careful and time-consuming measurements, drew out the diagram, and calculated forces of nature such as temperature, gravity, and local explosions. My end product is truly a marvel of modern engineering. I intend to send the technical specifications and photo to M.I.T. for application into the graduate engineering programs. I’m thinking they may award me an advanced degree on the spot for this thing of beauty.

Camp Albert here on Bagram held a yard sale. They had been advertising the sale in typical fashion with paper flyers posted up everywhere. One of the units was leaving after completing their tour and their replacements were already here on the ground, hence the yard sale. The sale started promptly at 0930L on Thursday. We arrived at 0955L to find only four items remaining. All the electronics to include TVs, DVD players, and refrigerators were gone. All that remained was a standing fan, a metal waste basket, and two plastic Contico 3-drawer storage containers. I paid $5 for all four items, but the item I really wanted was the waste can. Instead of hanging my plastic bags that I receive from the PX shopping experiences on a nail attached to one of my walls, I can now place the plastic bag in the can and throw stuff away normally. Oh, the glory! This may sound like such a simple thing, but it is huge here! I have increased my social status ten-fold with this purchase.

Ed & Craig treated me exceptionally well on my birthday. CD personally performed a couple of poignant banjo tunes for my listening pleasure. For dinner, Ed bought a couple of pizzas from our local Ciano pizzeria that is connected to the Popeye’s Fried Chicken. It is run by local Afghanis although one of the workers appears to be an actual Italian. Depending on toppings, the average pizza is $6.50 and is about 12” wide. They are terrible. I’m not sure how the pepperoni and ham and so forth are made / prepared, but they are awful. We downed those pizzas like we hadn’t eaten in months despite the taste and went down to the other end of Disney Drive to get an ice cream.

Down by the East PX is a building that houses a Subway sandwich shop, a Green Beans coffee shop and a DQ / Orange Julius. The DQ / Orange Julius serves no food items, although they have the food products, pictures, and prices listed on their lit overhead board for your viewing pleasure. There is no seating area and you could only squeeze about 10 people in front of the counter. In any case Craig bought me a Peanut Buster Parfait which they are capable of producing. They look just like the real thing from America; however the soft serve ice cream has a slightly odd aftertaste. I described it as a kind of cinnamon flavor while Craig Dobyns described it as a kind of cocoanut flavor. Regardless of the aftertaste flavor, we consumed our ice cream treats with the fervor of a rabid dog.

I did it. I bought internet for my room. The whole issue with the USO pushed me over the top. I am now paying $35 a month for the convenience of mediocre internet in my room. When I say mediocre, I’m comparing it to my cable internet at home. This maxes out at 100Mbs during non-peak times. It has added to my happiness with downloading stuff and IMing Kris and the kids. Also having it in my room means I am not sitting shoulder to shoulder with someone else while they are performing the same tasks with their friends and family, so the privacy is cool. The USO is going back to 24 hour operation on February 1st. I would like to think it had something to do with my complaint campaign, but probably not.

Ed and Greg are leaving today to head back to Iraq. This is both good and bad for a number of reasons. Actually, they leave Monday, but have to show up at the PAX Terminal for “Showtime” at 0250L Monday morning. That is much earlier than O-dark-30 to you non-military folks! Obviously, Craig and I were going to see them off and drive them the 450 meters to the terminal. Ed and I decided to stay up the entire time and just head to the terminal at the appointed time. What a great idea. Let’s not sleep at all. I’m not sure why this sounded like a good idea at the time, maybe it was because we could chat and carry-on about stuff that we hadn’t discussed in the previous two months. The end result was sleep deprivation that I am fighting now while trying to type this thing. I will catch up with the sleep thing soon.

It’s now time to wrap this missive up and send it out. My distro list keeps expanding, so if there are some of you out there that I have not already forwarded previous editions to, please let me know. It’s now a simple matter of sending them out from the cozy confines of my retro, wood-paneled, reorganized, room. Don’t miss next week’s scintillating stories as I imbibe you with: new abdominal workouts, winning prizes on ring-pulls, and the always exciting food of the week review.

Craig