WEEK 4

November 27-December 3, 2006

This is my fourth week gone from the fabulous United States of America and I already feel like an outsider. Sure we have Armed Forces Network (AFN) television which broadcasts LIVE football 12.5 hours into the future, and CNN which says it provides LIVE telecasts 24/7, but you still seem disconnected. The commercials are not the same. We do not get Budweiser or Coors or Miller commercials here. No scantily clad women rubbing ice-cold beverages over their bosoms while espousing Einstein and Jeffersonian ramblings with the phrase: Mmmhhhhmm. Nope, we get things like: Buckle-up in tactical vehicles to stay safe. What?!! Or how about: Protect your ID card; it is a matter of life and death. Really?!! Who dreams these things up? Why isn’t Anheiser-Busch doing commercials for the military community? Surely we must be one of their biggest consumers, well not here of course, but everywhere else.

The weather here has changed. The mild temperatures of the first couple of weeks here are now much lower. The highs haven’t breached 40 degrees this last week and it has been snowing continuously for two days. I love this weather! I asked the Motor Sergeant for a large inner tube and with any luck will make the 25 kilometer trip to the base of those Hindu Kush Mountains I see every day and try out a little tubing. The only difference with tubing here as opposed to White Pass with Aubrey and Charles will be the fully armed entourage that will accompany me. I’m not trying to imply that Aubrey and Charles were not armed; I’m just simply saying that we didn’t go tubing with armored vehicles and machine guns.

Speaking of snow, did you know our fabulous Uncle Sam’s Air Force cannot land a C-17 here at Bagram because of the weather and visibility? Really! Evidently those multi-million-dollar Boeing planes that the Air Force purchased have tremendous difficulty landing on a mile-plus long airstrip with a little snow even though they have ILS and many other significant and costly electronics on board. How do I know this you ask, well my fourth guy, Craig Dobyns is stuck in Doha, Qatar (80 degree weather) trying to get here. All the inbound and outbound flights have been cancelled. We have no idea when he will be able to come in. Because of this situation, our supply of non-alcoholic German beers and Starbuck’s Mocha Frappiccinos are at critically low levels. Additionally, I have been going over to or calling the PAX Terminal at odd hours of the day and night checking on Craig’s potential arrival. Maybe we should have SouthWest Airlines handle flights for the military. They seem to be able to land and take off from places like Chicago without any mishaps (save one) getting millions of customers to their intended destinations without fail on Boeing planes.


Our internet and Voice Over Internet Protocol (VOIP) phones here are fed through satellites. They work pretty well until the dishes fill up with snow and then the signal does not receive or transmit. We are having that very problem right now and may delay me sending this out. Although you folks back there probably have no idea, the Air Force controls the satellite dishes here. Ahhh, you may suddenly be picking up on a trend here. It is not my intent to bash our own Air Force, but we rely on them tremendously and they seem to be lackadaisical about everything. It’s like this is the first time it has ever snowed here and they are not sure what to do. “Hey, the snow will melt eventually, don’t worry about it. We’ll get your internet up and flights in maybe tomorrow or the next day.” I should loan them a couple of Army Privates First Class (PFCs). Those guys would find a way to get daily shipments from Amazon.com at the North Pole.

Some of you are probably not familiar with General Order #1. It’s commonly known as the “No Fun” rule which means service personnel are forbidden from possessing or imbibing alcoholic beverages, having sex, surfing porn, streaking, and anything else you may deem fun and exciting while in a combat environment in defense of the United States of America. Obviously our rule does not apply to our allies here, say like Australia. Could you imagine the Aussies going one day without a beer? Neither can I. In any case, GO#1 has loose applications with certain Government Contractors, like me, which is why I am constructing my own still and brewery. I certainly have no intent of blatantly displaying these soon-to-be fine pieces of hand-craftsmanship and will keep them hidden. I cannot wait to pump out that first IPA and whiskey. Ed can’t contain himself either.

In the meantime before my operation is in full swing, my supply of Bacardi and Jack Daniels is at dangerously low levels. If any of you happen to be able to squeeze a bottle into one of the envelopes you plan on mailing this way, I would be most appreciative. The cheap Russian Vodka that I can buy from the Kirgis (from Kirgizstan, you know the Kirgizstanis; formerly part of the Soviet Union), has a faint yellow color and tastes like it originally started out as Isopropyl Alcohol that was strained through bread (or maybe someone’s liver). All I can tell you, it was $3 USD for a 375ml bottle that I bought from a Kirgi. After cracking the seal and taking a sip, I immediately put the cap back on and passed it back to the Kirgi. Maybe I’ll get some more and send them out as Christmas presents.

Sometimes I am very impressed with our use of information and technology. Before coming here, I processed through Fort Benning, Georgia where we were administratively, logistically, and medically prepared. Yesterday, I received a phone call from the medical clinic here. I was asked if I was Craig Withers and if my blood type was indeed O Negative. I answered yes and was asked to come to the medical clinic immediately because a soldier was inbound who was seriously injured and required blood. In the few minutes it took me to get to the clinic, five other guys were lined up waiting to dispense with their O Neg blood. I marveled at how we were all contacted and how the medical clinic knew who to contact. I was further impressed at how quickly we had all showed up and how none of us ever gave a second thought about giving blood. Obviously this was not an Air Force operation.

I have finally adjusted to the altitude! I beat Nelson on a morning run. As a matter of fact, I not only out-ran him, but drug him along for the last mile or two. Hah! One goal down, 43 to go. Hopefully I can get to the others with the same alacrity that I accomplished this one. Where do we run, you ask? Well the perimeter road around Bagram is about 7.5 miles or 12 kilometers. Traffic is forbidden on the perimeter road from 0530 – 0700 daily for PT with the obvious exceptions of security and emergencies. It’s a little strange to be running along a dirt road that has triple-strand concertina and pickets on one side with the red triangular “Mines” signs hanging on the pickets. On the other side of the wire are mud (earthworks) buildings with locals living in them. Don’t they know there are mines on their side of the wire? I’ve taken a few pictures of this and will forward that CD soon, I promise.

I have been asked what I wear here. Well, my company outfitted us with boots, pants, long and short sleeve shirts, a jacket and coveralls. Of that stuff, I wear the boots, pants, and with less frequency, the jacket. The boots are tan Timberland waterproof, insulated Pro Series boots that I am in love with. The pants are tan 5.11 Tactical canvas pants that are fabulous, and the jacket is a black medium weight Carhartt that is good to temperatures no lower than 45 degrees. I supplement the boots and pants with my occasional wear of Levi’s pants and my new collection of Columbia, North Face, and REI long sleeve technical wear shirts, my Army issue fleece jacket, and of course my absolutely splendid Mountain Hardware black gloves that I have cherished for years. I’m never far from my Bianchi black shoulder holster that adequately cuddles my Beretta 9mm and 45 of the best-looking bullets this side of Iran. I wear sunglasses and a hat when the weather dictates, and sport a Colonel Sanders goatee daily. Maybe I should be doing advertising for the military.

Remember earlier when I said Craig D wasn’t here yet? Do you recall it was due to cold weather and snow? Well he has in his possession my brand new Mountain Hardware Extreme II Expeditionary Parka super marvelous jacket that Kristine bought for me a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, why does he have it? Why didn’t I bring it with me? Why didn’t Kris just mail it? Those are excellent questions that I have been asking myself every time I put that Army fleece jacket to work in this blizzard that I am living in. There is nothing wrong with that fleece jacket; Natick Laboratories did a great job of designing it as an interior layer garment! In an effort to keep my initial REI expenditures below the GNP of Ecuador, I prioritized those items I would need. That North Face jacket was due to go on sale after I departed for this side of the world and the plan was to pick it up then and mail it to me. So far, so good. Then Craig D was given his dates of departure from the U.S. and potential arrival in Afghanistan which seemed much quicker than mailing. This is still looking good. The stick in the mud is the U.S. Air Force and their departures from Qatar and their arrivals in Afghanistan. As you read earlier, we covered the reasons. In some inane way, my arctic condition parka will arrive when the weather turns good, courtesy of the fine ole USAF.

I think I told you fine folks in Week 3 that my operation was moved to Camp Ouellette where we were cleaning, remodeling, and constructing our work and living areas. That is progressing fairly well with the work areas in pretty good shape. To accomplish some of these tasks, I required memoranda from the CJSOTF-A Commander appointing me this and that to acquire this item or service. Well, it is now safe to say that I am the STIC (STud In Charge) of Camp Ouellette. Yeah I know, a civilian essentially running an Army camp, but I handle it well. I even look pretty good in the role. No, I will not be changing the name of the place to Camp Withers. Only heroic dead guys get immortalized with their names on camps, posts, streets, etc. I may, however, lend my name to my new administration center.

We played poker again last night, which is now becoming tradition on Saturday nights. No, I did not sustain any injuries as we played at my newly remodeled Withers Administration Center (WAC) (see, what did I tell you?!) with seven foot doorways. Anyway, I could not lose last night. We started with our customary $10 buy-in and within an hour I had less than $2 in front of me. Suddenly, my fortune changed and the tipping point was an Ace and a Nine on Texas Hold ‘em. I was dealt an Ace and Nine and an Ace and Nine were presented on the flop. I bet two-pair all the time, but rarely have the success I did on this hand. To make this short, I went all in and even threw in another $7 in cash (which I never do). Three other guys were in this hand as well and the net result was that I won with more than $40 in that pot. From that point forward I could not lose. When we finally cashed out, I was ahead $57 bucks. This is the best poker night to date for me here. I wanted to achieve $100 in poker profit within the first ten games here. In seven outings, I am ahead $141 big-time dollars. Even if I throw in the towel on the next three, I will still be ahead $111. That makes two goals accomplished with 42 remaining. Woohoo! Two completed goals in one week! Shibby!

Kristine gave me my Christmas present early. She bought me the cutest (I mean studly, Doug) black iPod Nano that holds 8 gigs of ones and zeroes. Actually, I bought it here (because it was the only iPod for sale on Bagram) and thanked her profusely. These Special Operations guys have an M drive on their J6 Server that has nothing but music loaded onto it. I mean a 500 gig server full of tunage! “Dude! What’s mine say?! Sweet!” They even loaned me an 80 gig external hard drive to copy music onto my computer. There is no doubt that I am receiving this royal treatment because of my STIC position on Camp Ouellette. That coupled with Nelson’s 80 gig hard drive means I have been sorting through digital music for the past couple of days. Now if I could only cram a little work and sleep into my day…

Oh yeah, that work thing. The whole reason I am in this 10th world country on the other side of the Earth. We have been working our butts off! We are cutting up and tearing apart a multitude of vehicles, engineering and templating panels, digitally producing them, printing them on the plotter for comparison, and forwarding that information to our company in Woodland. On top of all that, we have had to acquire materials and supplies here, build shop tables / equipment, repair walls, doors, ceilings, roofs, fences, gates, and manage a small camp of about 50 personnel on 6 acres. Normally, Potentates like me, have hundreds of Serfs for duties like those mentioned previously, don’t they? I better look into that.

Well, this one is getting a little long-in-the-tooth and I have to run back over to the PAX Terminal to check on Craig’s next potential incoming flight. It has been snowing non-stop for the past three days, however our accumulation is low because the temperature has hovered around 33 degrees. The wind blows the snow in a kind of horizontal circling motion, which means if those 79 snow flakes missed your face on the first pass, they will cycle around again and strike your open eye on the next successive passes. God, I love this weather!


Craig


WARNING: The author’s comments with regard to the United States Air Force are strictly those of the author and are not to be confused with or implicated as fact. By way of admission, the author truly loves the Air Force with principle focus on McChord Air Force Base C-17s that fly him back to McChord Air Force Base.